Germ Warfare Rebuttal: Sarah Mclachlan

Well, that was a very spirited post from Mr. G. Gordon Liddy! Now we have another response to my post on germophobia. Sarah McLachlan makes an impassioned plea, but from a very different perspective. Her post follows.

--BeaverPuppet

My fellow humans,

Like Mr. Liddy, BeaverPuppet’s post on germs stirred an emotional response within me, but for very different reasons. I found the callousness with which BeaverPuppet discusses germs and their destruction to be quite shocking. We must remember that Germs are living creatures, just like us, and we have no right to destroy them. Furthermore, Germs have lived on The Earth for millions of years before human beings came along. This is their home, and we are the intruders. We must learn to live with each other.

BeaverPuppet suggests a more passive approach to our treatment of Germs. My friends, that is not good enough! We must end the germ holocaust! Rather than fighting germs, we need to fund programs that will study and tag them, so we can learn about their mating and migration patterns, and how best we can protect and nurture them. We need to establish germ crossings and habitats, so they have places where they can get away for awhile, without the interference of men. And we need to identify transgender germs so we can get them started on their treatments and reassignment surgeries.

Now I know that it is not always easy to live with germs. They do make us sick. But brothers and sisters, don’t you realize how beautiful that is? Our sickness is a sign that we are giving life to other creatures in the universe! Every time, I cough, or sneeze, or vomit, or get flatulence or diarrhea, I think, “How beautiful, it’s like the germs are nursing at my teets!”  It makes feel like I’m Mother Earth!

I have no doubts, that if everyone is willing to give just a little, we can learn to live peacefully with our germ brothers and sisters.  So let’s all come together and hold hands. Maybe we’ll spread some germs!

In peace,

Sarah McLachlan

Germ Warfare Rebuttal: G. Gordon Liddy

Well, looks like I did it again. I managed to stir the pot with what I thought was a rather tame and well-reasoned post on germophobia. Turns out there are some strong dissenting opinions on the issue. So today I make way for a guest post from famed Paleoconservative G. Gordon Liddy. 

--BeaverPuppet

Civilized Peoples of the World,

When I read BeaverPuppet's latest garbage he calls a post, I nearly puked the Triple Baconator right out of my mouth!

I really shouldn't have been surprised that a defeatist scumbag like BeaverPuppet would propose throwing in the towel on The War on Germs. Why, I'm still surprised that that jelly-spined piece of sh*t was ever able to climb out of his mother's uterus in this first place! But this is a new low, even for BeaverPuppet. "Why don't we just relax and not worry about it?" If I ever uttered those words in my household my father would've had me sh*tting out his jack boots for weeks!

But BeaverPuppet does make one good point.We are not winning the War on Germs. We have been unable to defeat this enemy, because we have been unable to show the fortitude and wherewithal that is necessary. Purell? Purell?!?! Does BeaverPuppet actually believe that that is the best we can do? Let me tell you, the Pentagon has sh*t that makes Purell feel like baby oil. But can we get it past the leftist loonies in the Food and Drug Administration? Hell No!

And what about vaccines? You don't think we could do better there if we loosened up the rules a little? My God, we're testing on rats, for Christ's sake! You don't think we'd make better progress if we tested on humans? We've got too many low-life moochers lying around as it is. Let's make them productive! WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO SAY WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE IS THINKING?!?

You're dog sh*t, BeaverPuppet. DOG SH*T!

Sincerely,

G. Gordon Liddy

Germ Warfare

All across this land of ours, there is a great war being waged against our old nemesis - The Germs...

You know the Germs I’m talking about - the microscopic creatures that glom on to us, attacking our immune systems, making us...sick.

We fight the brave fight. We wash our hands daily, devoutly abide by 5-second rules, and attempt to quarantine ourselves from our infected brethren like kindergartners running  from Cootie-infested peers. Yet, still, we get... sick.

There are those of us that engage in more advanced tactics in this war. For example, have you ever entered a public bathroom, and somebody’s been waiting there at the doorway for you to come in so that they can sneak out without having to touch the door with their own hands? Do you wonder how long they've been waiting there, and how they got inside in the first place? It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Sometimes you take the bullet for your fellow man. Sometimes your fellow man makes that choice for you.

In recent years the war has taken a more gruesome turn, as the chemical agent Purell has been unleashed on the front lines. Originally distributed solely as a side-arm to individuals, this petro-chemical alcohol solution is now dispensed through artillery-like tripods placed at strategic locations, like mall playgrounds. Watch as parents frantically try to rub the stinging mucus into their hands, like a morning-after coed trying to hot-shower off her big mistake. It stings. It burns. It feels like you’ve unleashed weapons of mass destruction on your own skin. In fact, if you look at your hand under a microscope, you’ll see the tiny post-Hiroshima like shadows of germs that are no longer there.  But maybe, just maybe, you won’t get...sick.

But despite everything we do, we are losing the war.  Despite our best efforts, people are still getting sick. They are your neighbors, your family, your friends, your enemies, your reality show heroes and even - yourself. Have you noticed, that this very year, you, were sick? Maybe even more than once.

Friends, may I make a suggestion? (Of course I can, it’s my blog) I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be better to lay down our germ-fighting arsenals, accept the fact that we’re going to get sick from time to time, and try to relax. I know this is a little fatalistic, but hey, I’m a doomer, what did you expect? Besides, relaxation is good for your immune system, and you're gonna need it! Gotta fight those germs!


--BeaverPuppet

Guest Post: Vice-President Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld

Well, I had planned to start getting into some regular posting, but yesterday's guest post by President Vladimir Putin caused such a stir, that I had to make way for a joint guest post from former Vice-President Dick Cheney and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in response to President Putin's post. Here she goes...

--BeaverPuppet

Dear Fellow Americans,

When we read President Putin’s blasphemous post, we were so incensed that we could not in good conscience let it go unanswered. So we immediately contacted BeaverPuppet and insisted that we be allowed to reply.

First, let us tell you, Americans, that you are special.  Or, more precisely, you are exceptional. Civilizations, like laws of physics, come and go, but America perseveres. America perseveres because of Americans, and our culture of freedom and rugged individualism, and most importantly, our faith in God. And by “God”, we mean the Jesus one. (The Jews get a pass on a technicality.)

The American way of life is non-negotiable. We will drive Japanese cars, on American roads, to buy Chinese products, at Walmart (or Target, depending on your tattoos to piercings ratio).

Now, it takes a lot of energy to run the American Way of Life. Mr. Putin brags of his country’s energy resources. But thanks to oil prices rising to $150 per barrel, America has developed new ways to reach the nooks and crannies of our oil and gas resources. Like that woman, Miss Lewinsky, we will do whatever it takes to completely suck every drop of available juice from our mature but still virile spigots. If that means we must bathe the earth in acid to burn holes through rock, then that is what we will do, because we are Americans! There is nothing we will not do! And Environmentalists, worry not. Jesus will be back soon, so the state of the environment does not actually matter, although I fear quite a few of you will be Left Behind...

Mr. Putin talks about conquering America with a small army. Hah! America has the largest, most powerful military in the world. It’s true; our current leader is not one of our strongest. But we have first-hand knowledge that President Obama has ten fingers and ten toes, any of which can be used to push THE BUTTON. Furthermore, Vice-President Cheney has THE BUTTON remotely rigged, so that it will automatically be pressed the instant his artificial heart ceases to function. It seems that Mr. Putin has not learned the lessons of Wrestlemania's II and VI. America does not lose!

And do not think we are scared to launch a preemptive strike on Russia. We have been hard at work on SHOCK AND AWE 2.0. And unlike in Iraq, we will have no reservations about collateral damage. For deep inside, where every God-fearing person keeps their soul, the Russian citizen has nothing but a signed copy of the Communist Manifesto. Their emptiness yearns for us to set them free. And when we come to their home turf, and knock them out, they will chant "Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!

So, sleep well, Americans. It is Morning in America, again! Your country is strong and will remain so, at least until Jesus comes back, and God help you if you’re Left Behind. 

--Vice-President Dick Cheney and Secretary Rumsfeld

Guest Post by Vladimir Putin!

Wow, this blog has only been live since Sunday, and we’ve already got a guest posting from a very important person - Vladimir Putin! Vladimir is the Dictator –err I mean President - of the Russian Federation! So without further ado, here is Czar Putin’s message to Americans.

Dear Pathetic Americans,

I want to speak to you frankly, and let you know that you are not special. Your politicians, teachers, media, mommies and daddies have been lying to you your whole life. You are weak, soft, Americans, and your empire is crumbling. Why, just look at your “leader”, President Obama. Your haggard-looking skinny man has recently requested Your American Congress to give him his balls back. But he has been denied for not filling out the proper forms.

Contrast that to the Great Leader of Russia, myself. I am strong like my country. Look up any recent picture of me with my shirt off. I am ripped! Like my country I have been chiseled out of stone. We have endured Mongol Hordes, Nazi Pricks, and the collapse of Communism. And our weather is f***ing BRUTAL! Yet here we stand, stronger than ever. Our oil and natural gas resources are the envy of much of the world. We have Europe by the balls. And I have well-defined pectorals.

So who do you think will win between Obama and Myself: former community organizer, or former KGB? Hmm...

But in actuality, we do not need to engage in tit-for-tat diplomacy or warfare with your corpse-like nation. We simply wait it out, and in 10 or so years we send small army to annex your land. You will find 1-800 customer support telephone numbers completely useless for your defense.

So, I suggest you begin preparations for the changing of the guard. I am your future ruler. You may call me Vladimir and be executed. Czar Putin is a wiser choice, but eye contact is strictly forbidden. Not that you will ever come within such a short distance of me. I rarely visit the Gulag camps. Too cold.

President Vladimir Putin