Guest Post: Vice-President Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld

Well, I had planned to start getting into some regular posting, but yesterday's guest post by President Vladimir Putin caused such a stir, that I had to make way for a joint guest post from former Vice-President Dick Cheney and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in response to President Putin's post. Here she goes...

--BeaverPuppet

Dear Fellow Americans,

When we read President Putin’s blasphemous post, we were so incensed that we could not in good conscience let it go unanswered. So we immediately contacted BeaverPuppet and insisted that we be allowed to reply.

First, let us tell you, Americans, that you are special.  Or, more precisely, you are exceptional. Civilizations, like laws of physics, come and go, but America perseveres. America perseveres because of Americans, and our culture of freedom and rugged individualism, and most importantly, our faith in God. And by “God”, we mean the Jesus one. (The Jews get a pass on a technicality.)

The American way of life is non-negotiable. We will drive Japanese cars, on American roads, to buy Chinese products, at Walmart (or Target, depending on your tattoos to piercings ratio).

Now, it takes a lot of energy to run the American Way of Life. Mr. Putin brags of his country’s energy resources. But thanks to oil prices rising to $150 per barrel, America has developed new ways to reach the nooks and crannies of our oil and gas resources. Like that woman, Miss Lewinsky, we will do whatever it takes to completely suck every drop of available juice from our mature but still virile spigots. If that means we must bathe the earth in acid to burn holes through rock, then that is what we will do, because we are Americans! There is nothing we will not do! And Environmentalists, worry not. Jesus will be back soon, so the state of the environment does not actually matter, although I fear quite a few of you will be Left Behind...

Mr. Putin talks about conquering America with a small army. Hah! America has the largest, most powerful military in the world. It’s true; our current leader is not one of our strongest. But we have first-hand knowledge that President Obama has ten fingers and ten toes, any of which can be used to push THE BUTTON. Furthermore, Vice-President Cheney has THE BUTTON remotely rigged, so that it will automatically be pressed the instant his artificial heart ceases to function. It seems that Mr. Putin has not learned the lessons of Wrestlemania's II and VI. America does not lose!

And do not think we are scared to launch a preemptive strike on Russia. We have been hard at work on SHOCK AND AWE 2.0. And unlike in Iraq, we will have no reservations about collateral damage. For deep inside, where every God-fearing person keeps their soul, the Russian citizen has nothing but a signed copy of the Communist Manifesto. Their emptiness yearns for us to set them free. And when we come to their home turf, and knock them out, they will chant "Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!

So, sleep well, Americans. It is Morning in America, again! Your country is strong and will remain so, at least until Jesus comes back, and God help you if you’re Left Behind. 

--Vice-President Dick Cheney and Secretary Rumsfeld